Life is good in the 90066. I wish neighborhoods could stay like this instead of getting gentrified, as yuppies move into working class neighborhoods and import their upscale tastes and shitty personalities. But I digress.
Spudnuts is a donut shop, your classic immigrant-owned affair, where the coffee is bad only next to the warm sugary orgasm of a freshly made 5:30am donut. The bland, run of the mill, minimal-grounds style leaves you despairing that if only it were a bit stronger or bolder, you'd have the perfect early AM snack.
Actually, never mind. I'll stick with the coffee as is. Weak coffee in a styrofoam cup is good yuppie repellent.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
My boss's coffee
My small sampling of the workplace environment has taught me that workers are very utilitarian in their coffee tastes. It must be strong and simple, much like the temperaments that drink it. So generally, you'll find a strong but solid cup of coffee in such a setting. If you're not snooty or gourmet about it, it's an enjoyable part of the morning.
Occasionally though, as is the case with my boss, the temperament goes haywire, much like a woman whose need for perfume loses its anchor in civility, and she walks around flooding the area with her scent, repelling any pleasant social contact.
Now mud doesn't quite describe his coffee. It's more like paint, in that a simple brushing of the stuff will turn any surface black. On some days I can just dilute it with a bit of water and it'll be passable. But other days it's like he forgot to add the filter. Really, I'd do just as well dumping talcum powder in my mouth.
Occasionally though, as is the case with my boss, the temperament goes haywire, much like a woman whose need for perfume loses its anchor in civility, and she walks around flooding the area with her scent, repelling any pleasant social contact.
Now mud doesn't quite describe his coffee. It's more like paint, in that a simple brushing of the stuff will turn any surface black. On some days I can just dilute it with a bit of water and it'll be passable. But other days it's like he forgot to add the filter. Really, I'd do just as well dumping talcum powder in my mouth.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Chain donut stores - WInchells
This is actually more of a standard of excellence for me, the zen of coffee non-pretention, than any kind of actually bad coffee. Chain coffee shops like Winchells offer a peacefully bland cup of coffee that tastes perfectly generic. And I mean that in a really good way.
Really, bland doesn't do it justice. It's more... neutered. Like a neutered pet that is still a lot of pleasure but you know it won't do anything off or offensive.
And it's that kind of consistent bland coffee, along with a flourescent glare and a sullen graveyard shift clerk, that keeps all the hipsters away. So you can enjoy reading a book in perfect peace and quiet at 1am on a Friday night. Well sometimes you'll meet some stoners on a munchie run but they're pretty benign.
Really, bland doesn't do it justice. It's more... neutered. Like a neutered pet that is still a lot of pleasure but you know it won't do anything off or offensive.
And it's that kind of consistent bland coffee, along with a flourescent glare and a sullen graveyard shift clerk, that keeps all the hipsters away. So you can enjoy reading a book in perfect peace and quiet at 1am on a Friday night. Well sometimes you'll meet some stoners on a munchie run but they're pretty benign.
7-Eleven Coffee
Oh I'm sure a whole chapter could be devoted to this. And most of it could be devoted to the "gourmet" varieties that are left smoldering on hot-plates for hours while everyone just pours the standard brew. After all, coffee is like any fast food - high turnover is the key.
But I'm thinking back to our recipe for "pancake batter" back when we were about twenty and felt like partying all night back in the days before crystal meth. The ingredients are a large cup, coffee, a couple packets of cappucino mix, and a few of those flavored creamers. Now the flavored creamers are an insult to anybody who enjoys black coffee, but we were looking for candy, not coffee.
The end result was really best described as maple syrup. So I don't know why we called it pancake batter and not pancake syrup.
But I'm thinking back to our recipe for "pancake batter" back when we were about twenty and felt like partying all night back in the days before crystal meth. The ingredients are a large cup, coffee, a couple packets of cappucino mix, and a few of those flavored creamers. Now the flavored creamers are an insult to anybody who enjoys black coffee, but we were looking for candy, not coffee.
The end result was really best described as maple syrup. So I don't know why we called it pancake batter and not pancake syrup.
Starbucks (pre-Pikes Place)
There. I said it. Kudos to Starbucks, they have mastered the secret of capitalism: take something shitty and second rate, add some wood paneling and some shiny things, and pretend it's some gourmet cultural spectacle.
You do realize they burn their beans, right? That burnt taste as if the barista ashed their three-foot cuban cigar in the coffee filter? Yes, it's from them burning their beans. They went off on the bet that people who don't drink coffee would think that's a gourmet, rich flavor, and wouldn't dare say the emperor is naked. And they created a dynasty out of it. Congratulations, Starbucks, for continuing the grand tradition of PT Barnum and snake oil salesmen.
This Pike's Place brew they put out actually tastes decent, I think they realized they can't pull off this stunt forever.
You do realize they burn their beans, right? That burnt taste as if the barista ashed their three-foot cuban cigar in the coffee filter? Yes, it's from them burning their beans. They went off on the bet that people who don't drink coffee would think that's a gourmet, rich flavor, and wouldn't dare say the emperor is naked. And they created a dynasty out of it. Congratulations, Starbucks, for continuing the grand tradition of PT Barnum and snake oil salesmen.
This Pike's Place brew they put out actually tastes decent, I think they realized they can't pull off this stunt forever.
Roach Coach - downtown sample
I really don't know how to lump catering trucks, or roach coaches as some would call them, except in their non-homogeneity. In other words, they're the opposite of Starbucks ... order any item from any roach coach and you have no idea what to expect.
That includes coffee.
So rather than lump them all together, or try to go to infinite different ones, I'm just going to throw out a random sampling.
That being said...
Some roach coaches out there I'm sure have some great coffee, I'm sure their proprietors put some care and consideration into it as what attracts their customers. The ones I have encountered do not.
The coffee I've had at the downtown sample has a strange watered down nutty taste it. The best description is it tastes a lot like the tea substitute in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ... it tastes like anything but coffee, and I'm sure if you drank enough of it you'd just commit suicide out of sheer depression.
It's that desperate feeling that you're being told you're drinking coffee, if you've never had coffee before you'd imagine this is what it tastes like, but you can drink and drink this stuff without an ounce of satisfaction that you actually drank any coffee.
That includes coffee.
So rather than lump them all together, or try to go to infinite different ones, I'm just going to throw out a random sampling.
That being said...
Some roach coaches out there I'm sure have some great coffee, I'm sure their proprietors put some care and consideration into it as what attracts their customers. The ones I have encountered do not.
The coffee I've had at the downtown sample has a strange watered down nutty taste it. The best description is it tastes a lot like the tea substitute in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ... it tastes like anything but coffee, and I'm sure if you drank enough of it you'd just commit suicide out of sheer depression.
It's that desperate feeling that you're being told you're drinking coffee, if you've never had coffee before you'd imagine this is what it tastes like, but you can drink and drink this stuff without an ounce of satisfaction that you actually drank any coffee.
Kudos - MGM Auto Body Torrance
Now in few places does the generation gap make itself more apparent than the Starbucks/Instant Coffee divide. When you're used to brewed coffee by master baristas, let's face it - instant coffee is nasty. Add to that instant coffee stored for a very long time in the sun, and well you have one fantastic cup.
That was the case at my last mechanic. Hospitable fellow but never really cared to maintain a coffee pot in the waiting room ... just some Folgers, a hot/cold water dispenser, sugar and creamer.
How do I describe that coffee... a less intense acid/strychnine duality from the co-op coffee, but something you'd rather drink as a dessert with plenty of creamer and sugar.
Of course if he did maintain an actual coffee brewer I would doubt his capacity to repair cars. Stick to what you're good at I say.
That was the case at my last mechanic. Hospitable fellow but never really cared to maintain a coffee pot in the waiting room ... just some Folgers, a hot/cold water dispenser, sugar and creamer.
How do I describe that coffee... a less intense acid/strychnine duality from the co-op coffee, but something you'd rather drink as a dessert with plenty of creamer and sugar.
Of course if he did maintain an actual coffee brewer I would doubt his capacity to repair cars. Stick to what you're good at I say.
Kudos - camping coffee
Kudos to my roommate Dave for telling me about this back in '97. If you're camping the best coffee is to throw some grounds in a pot, add water, boil the whole thing, and pour it out into a cup. You can either try to avoid pouring the grounds in the cup or just say screw it. After all, cover the grounds in chocolate and people call it candy.
It's actually not a bad cup of coffee but the floating grounds may offend more delicate types. As he put it, "when you're out there you just want the drug." Amen. I don't need to describe the feeling the smell of coffee conjures up at sunrise in the high desert.
There are some variations to this recipe, like cracking an egg and dumping shell and all into the pot. The white is supposed to settle the grounds while the yolk evens out the flavor. But really, how often do you bring raw eggs on a camping trip.
It's actually not a bad cup of coffee but the floating grounds may offend more delicate types. As he put it, "when you're out there you just want the drug." Amen. I don't need to describe the feeling the smell of coffee conjures up at sunrise in the high desert.
There are some variations to this recipe, like cracking an egg and dumping shell and all into the pot. The white is supposed to settle the grounds while the yolk evens out the flavor. But really, how often do you bring raw eggs on a camping trip.
Kudos - Co-op coffee
I used to live at a student co-op at UCLA for many long years. For a starving student like myself, it was an ideal arrangement of room and board for about $350 a month. Of course, that meant a $4 per student per day food budget.
So ... the coffee machine. You know those OJ dispensing machines that mix concentrated OJ with water? That's what this was like, except with concentrated coffee and boiling water. Combine that with a contraption cleaned by students and you have what I call "sea monster tonic."
Honestly I don't know which woke me up more - the caffeine or the god-awful taste ... something like battery acid meets strychnine. I'm not quite sure what strychnine tastes like, but if its taste is anything like its poison, well this coffee had it.
So ... the coffee machine. You know those OJ dispensing machines that mix concentrated OJ with water? That's what this was like, except with concentrated coffee and boiling water. Combine that with a contraption cleaned by students and you have what I call "sea monster tonic."
Honestly I don't know which woke me up more - the caffeine or the god-awful taste ... something like battery acid meets strychnine. I'm not quite sure what strychnine tastes like, but if its taste is anything like its poison, well this coffee had it.
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